Well, here we go again, friends of 24. As you know, I sucked last season at maintaining this blog. As I'm already despondent, this may be the first AND last post.
To make it easier on myself, I've decided to streamline and post shorter posts with fewer pictures. That took a ton of time! But as you can see, I didn't keep to my guidelines very well. Sometimes inspiration just hits and suddenly the need to post a photo becomes irresistible. Say, of RuPaul...
...or a meerkat.
Anyhoo, here are some observations about the season opener, not in any particular order.
1. Does Jack's adorable little granddaughter really know what she's getting into? It won't be long before Grandpa sits little Terri down and says, "Terri, next time little Bobby Tucker pulls your hair in the playground, I want you to take this innocuous ballpoint pen and thrust it viciously into his neck like I'm doing now with your favorite dolly. If he doesn't immediately lose consciousness, you're doing it wrong. If you don't have a pen, you can either rip his esophagus out with your own teeth or break his neck with a car door. Uh-oh, here comes Mommy! If she asks, we were having a tea party."
2. No one told me Jason Schwartzman was guest-starring this season. His hair's too long.
3. Apparently, the regime change in the Hassans' country (insert "Iran"; to be safe, let's just call it from this point forward "Schadenfreude") is fostering radical new hairstyles, edgily harkening back to 1973.
4. Throughout the two-day, four-hour premier, I kept feeling the Ghost of 24s Plots Past tapping on my shoulder. He kept saying, in his best presidential voice, "I was the best one, you know, and now I'm selling Allstate. CAN YOU BELIEVE they used the Bomb the Presidential Motorcade trick from Season 5?!"
5. Is it me or are Dana Walsh's shoulders the size of Terry Bradshaw's? WHOA!
6. Then the Ghost of 24s Plots Past poked me in the ribs and asked, in his best presidential voice, "Does anyone really care about the convoluted, serpentine backstories of any of the characters?" By the way, Dana Shoulderpads has a past...as the character named "Starbuck" in the most recent iteration of Battlestar Galactica.
(Yes, I realize that having not seen one episode of BG, I'm the pariah of geeks everywhere. To be a geek is bad enough, but to be a geek PARIAH...O, the humanity!)
If you're bored, look it up. TONS of 24 actors have a past with sci-fi TV, including our beloved Curtis, Charles Logan, and current President Taylor's ex-husband.
7. Will somone PLEASE tell me why Hastings hasn't once said, "Shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich"!
8. So, apparently, Horace spent some of his time-traveling in Lost to end up as a Russian gangster/Queens meter maid. Once again, the writers turned to their secondhand bag of plot devices with the Shoot the Lady in the Leg trick.
9. Are you serious? A showdown on a basketball court? Three hours later, the thugs realized Mr. "Smith" had some basketball moves, unable to get him past "H" in a game of Horse.
10. Well, Freddie certainly has come a long way.
11. Highlight for me from the entire four hours: Chloe's smirk. This, after telling Hastings: "No, you should thank Jack first, then Cole, then me."
12. And what about Jason Schwartzman stabbin' that dude in the neck? I didn't think he had it in him!
13. Finally, Renee Walker returns in a VERY BAD MOOD! Must've gotten a splinter putting her makeup on. After exfoliating with some 80-grit sandpaper, Renee returns to her government job only to use a circular saw to remove a guy's parole bracelet. Here we see the typically unequivocal Jack Bauer shocked at Renee's brazen jewelry removal skills. "Renee, what's gotten into you?! And why are we dressed exactly alike?"
Damn, that girl's got some BAGGAGE!
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