Hour 17: Magic Dummy Bites the Sawdust

Didn't we know this was coming? The writers consistently have killed off Jack's love interests, from the very first season. Magic Dummy's death merely sets up a convenient way for the producers of the 24 movie in the works to cast either a more familiar film actress or a fresh-faced newcomer in the role of Jack's babymama.

We're really gonna miss you, Magic Dummy.

May your wooden face and even woodier acting remain in our hearts, minds, and nightmares.

Some observations.

1. As mentioned in the Hour 12 post, the writers this season have been rehashing plot points not only from previous seasons, but also from previous episodes within Day 8! How lame is that? (No offense if you are, in fact, lame.) 

Did anyone notice how Jack and Magic Dummy, shown here right before ickily bumping uglies,...

...rehashed Kayla and Tarin's nifty wrestling move from Hour 10?

Imagine the STINK from that coupling! Jack hasn't slept, bathed, or done anything hygienic in at least 16 hours. Good grief.

2. I appreciated how Magic Dummy's sheet stayed discreetly draped over her chest during the entire awkwardly jostling, stumbling, bumping, juggly run to the emergency room. Not that I was expecting a full-blown shot of Magic Dummy's buppies jumping up and down, mind you, but why couldn't they have just done something like this?

I guess you can only get away with that in the movies. Oh, sure you can rip people's esophagus out with your teeth or put that guy from the TV show Fame in Michael Jackson's hyperbaric chamber...

...and then detonate his sweater vest, but OH NO, let's not show one bit of skin unless it's reflected in a mirror from a building 100 yards away.

3. Charles Logan returns, slimier and jowlier than ever. Here he is, in better days.

4. Absolutely loved it when Tough-as-Nails Taylor responded to Charles Logan with "It wasn't their constitution you trampled" and then later, "God help me if you make me regret this." She's being very wary, as she should. And she's my favorite 24 prez after David Palmer.

5. How completely and totally awesome is it that our quirky little mousy, socially inept, hyper-intelligent Chloe finally gets to take over CTU and do things her way...

...while Brian Hastings gets relegated to a department that better fits his skills set.

6. Was it me, or did Jack's mourning Magic Dummy ring a little hollow?

Sorry to be callous, but you're telling me you're heartbroken over someone you barely know and with whom you just casually danced the Stinky Boink? C'mon! Aren't you used to the massive quantities of casualties you encounter every time you walk into a room?

Surely, you're not gonna let one more fatality get to you? And where is Wayne Palmer?!

All of this rests on your shoulders, Jack, and no one else's! Besides, you're not gonna hang up your bullet-proof vest, Jack, because a movie's in the works!

Next week, 24 sets the demise of the entire series in motion when Martha Logan and Aaron Pierce show up...

...and begin preparations for a very special wedding, just like in Napoleon Dynamite.



 

 















I can't wait to hear Aaron sing Martha their special song, "Do That to Me One More Time."

Hours 14-16: Holy President's Big Hair!

Here I am, taking a deep breath, my nervous system twitching and wishing I were watching anything other than 24. Something more relaxing. Like Facts of Life reruns.

First things first:

WHAT IN THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!

Wow. I cannot believe they got rid of Hassan! OH, MY GRAVY! (a new phrase I picked up from the Oklahoma cowboy brothers on Amazing Race)

(And yes, their real names are Jet and Cord McCoy.)

Back to the murder of President Hassan: what a STUNNING ending to the last episode! Can't believe the writers decided to kill off what seemed to be an essential character, but as David Palmer, Curtis Manning, the zombie Tony Almeida, Ryan Chappelle, Terri Bauer, Edgar Stiles, and one of Chase Edmunds' hands will tell you...

...everyone except Jack Bauer is considered expendable.

May President Hassan and his completely and totally awesome presidential hair live on in our hearts, our minds, and Anil Kapoor's past.

Based on a split-second shot in the previews, I predict Dalia will step in for her martyred husband and continue the steady march toward peace, preferably looking completely and totally not sanctioned by the IRK government.

Some rambling, incoherent observations.

1. Jack could have a rib sticking out of his chest and into his forehead, and he'd say, "I'm just fine."

2.  In the Déjà Vu Files, some of the president's staffers decide they can do a better job. Wonder where they got that idea?

3. The Brass Balls Awesome Speech Award goes to this person when she refuses to give in to the terrorists' demands:

"We will pick ourselves up off the floor and deal with it. Why? Because that's what we do. Americans don't stay down. We rise up in times of crisis. We carry on. Is that clear?" I'm really growing fond of her and her awesome fiery orbs of steel!

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
4. Did anyone enjoy President Taylor slapping the pankcake makeup off of Rob Weiss's face more than I did? That was pretty kick-ass.
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Here they are in better days when Weiss carried the President around in a magical fantasy thought bubble.
 
5. Did anyone get really annoyed when Kayla tripped running from the bad guys?
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Was that some silly homage to every single suspense thriller/monster movie since 1934?
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

What an idiot, and what idiotic staging! Did all that etiquette training not pay off?

6. The Stud from Constantinople is dead after driving his van off a four-story parking garage. The crash was so violent it nicked him in the eyebrow, gave him a vicious five-o'clock shadow, and tore his clothes off down to the towel he was inexplicably wearing under his terrorist suit, leaving him smokily contemplating the ramifications of his actions as he breathed his last staring out the broken windshield into some invisible camera.

 























7. Does the White House infirmary have magic healing powers like the island on Lost? Good grief, Ethan Kanin had a heart attack and was unconscious for nearly an hour! Permanently brain-damaged? No. Looking forward to months, if not years of slow, painful therapy and recovery? No. He looked healthier than a hog in slop by the time President Taylor came to visit.

8. DaNinny was really beginning to annoy me with all her confounded sneakiness.
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I hate the way she slinks under the radar like a cat that has something to hide.
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
9. I was very happy to see Shaggy and DaNinny renew their vows to love one another until the end of time... 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
...or until Shaggy loses it and "accidentally" backs over DaNinny with the Escalade. Eight times. Nice of BBQ Shrimp to be a witness to their undying love.
 
10. Back to the Déjà Vu Files, Jack uses a worn-out tactic on DaNinny, a move he depends on almost every single time he interrogates someone:
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Good lord, for once, I'd like to see him shove bamboo shoots under someone's fingernails, or use Chinese Water Torture or the Tickling Feather of Doom, or force the detainee into a Cage Match Against a Charging Rhino.
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Anything but the standard, overly used Chokehold Against the Wall/Threatening Voice Combo. (YAWN).
 
11. Of course, Magic Dummy takes valuable seconds away from the crisis at hand to ensure obsessively that yes, she'll have some "down time" (wink, wink) with Jack when this is all over. They even kiss! EW!
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Here they are about to use their American Airline points for a spa treatment. Damn, girl, lay off the eyeliner, the Caesar cut, and the white turtlenecks!

I'm tellin' you, Jack, you're getting more than you bargained for with that whack-a-doodle.
 
Next episode, former President Charles "FloppyJowls TinyBallz" Logan returns to muck everything up beyond repair.

 
















I'd rather have David Palmer appear in a dream sequence as a gardener attracted to a troubled housewife played by Julianne Moore than to have Charles Logan back on the show.