First things first:
WHAT IN THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!
Wow. I cannot believe they got rid of Hassan! OH, MY GRAVY! (a new phrase I picked up from the Oklahoma cowboy brothers on Amazing Race)
(And yes, their real names are Jet and Cord McCoy.)
Back to the murder of President Hassan: what a STUNNING ending to the last episode! Can't believe the writers decided to kill off what seemed to be an essential character, but as David Palmer, Curtis Manning, the zombie Tony Almeida, Ryan Chappelle, Terri Bauer, Edgar Stiles, and one of Chase Edmunds' hands will tell you...
...everyone except Jack Bauer is considered expendable.
May President Hassan and his completely and totally awesome presidential hair live on in our hearts, our minds, and Anil Kapoor's past.
Based on a split-second shot in the previews, I predict Dalia will step in for her martyred husband and continue the steady march toward peace, preferably looking completely and totally not sanctioned by the IRK government.
Some rambling, incoherent observations.
1. Jack could have a rib sticking out of his chest and into his forehead, and he'd say, "I'm just fine."
2. In the Déjà Vu Files, some of the president's staffers decide they can do a better job. Wonder where they got that idea?
3. The Brass Balls Awesome Speech Award goes to this person when she refuses to give in to the terrorists' demands:
"We will pick ourselves up off the floor and deal with it. Why? Because that's what we do. Americans don't stay down. We rise up in times of crisis. We carry on. Is that clear?" I'm really growing fond of her and her awesome fiery orbs of steel!
4. Did anyone enjoy President Taylor slapping the pankcake makeup off of Rob Weiss's face more than I did? That was pretty kick-ass.
Here they are in better days when Weiss carried the President around in a magical fantasy thought bubble.
5. Did anyone get really annoyed when Kayla tripped running from the bad guys?
Was that some silly homage to every single suspense thriller/monster movie since 1934?
What an idiot, and what idiotic staging! Did all that etiquette training not pay off?
6. The Stud from Constantinople is dead after driving his van off a four-story parking garage. The crash was so violent it nicked him in the eyebrow, gave him a vicious five-o'clock shadow, and tore his clothes off down to the towel he was inexplicably wearing under his terrorist suit, leaving him smokily contemplating the ramifications of his actions as he breathed his last staring out the broken windshield into some invisible camera.
7. Does the White House infirmary have magic healing powers like the island on Lost? Good grief, Ethan Kanin had a heart attack and was unconscious for nearly an hour! Permanently brain-damaged? No. Looking forward to months, if not years of slow, painful therapy and recovery? No. He looked healthier than a hog in slop by the time President Taylor came to visit.
8. DaNinny was really beginning to annoy me with all her confounded sneakiness.
I hate the way she slinks under the radar like a cat that has something to hide.
9. I was very happy to see Shaggy and DaNinny renew their vows to love one another until the end of time...
...or until Shaggy loses it and "accidentally" backs over DaNinny with the Escalade. Eight times. Nice of BBQ Shrimp to be a witness to their undying love.
10. Back to the Déjà Vu Files, Jack uses a worn-out tactic on DaNinny, a move he depends on almost every single time he interrogates someone:
Good lord, for once, I'd like to see him shove bamboo shoots under someone's fingernails, or use Chinese Water Torture or the Tickling Feather of Doom, or force the detainee into a Cage Match Against a Charging Rhino.
Anything but the standard, overly used Chokehold Against the Wall/Threatening Voice Combo. (YAWN).
11. Of course, Magic Dummy takes valuable seconds away from the crisis at hand to ensure obsessively that yes, she'll have some "down time" (wink, wink) with Jack when this is all over. They even kiss! EW!
Here they are about to use their American Airline points for a spa treatment. Damn, girl, lay off the eyeliner, the Caesar cut, and the white turtlenecks!
I'm tellin' you, Jack, you're getting more than you bargained for with that whack-a-doodle.
Next episode, former President Charles "FloppyJowls TinyBallz" Logan returns to muck everything up beyond repair.
I'd rather have David Palmer appear in a dream sequence as a gardener attracted to a troubled housewife played by Julianne Moore than to have Charles Logan back on the show.
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