Hour 9: 24 Now Fox's Most-Watched Sitcom

I actually felt my eyes involuntarily rolling during this episode. I hope the guy pictured above doesn't mind my choosing his photo as best reflecting my state of mind during Hour 9.

Some eye-roll triggers:

1. When Jack told the one called Josef to bring in the rods, the ones called nuclear. Sure, Josef, bring in the rods, we can all go home, and this show will be over until next year, 15 episodes short.

2. When the one called Josef got nailed by the one called Jason Schwartzman.

Of course, he did. And of course, we'll see a heartrending scene where Sergei cries over his son's dead body in a cold, austere mortuary cell at CTU.
Sergei: What was I, the one called Sergei, thinking when I turn Sergei's House of Borscht into Sergei's Storefront Place for Illegal Arms Trading? It bring me nothing but bad emotion, the one called pain and that other one called grief. It even make me involuntarily shoot the one called Oleg not once but twice for catching bad cold from radiation and putting big wedge like sliced from big cheddar wheel between me and the one called Boris, I mean Josef, and now the one called Boris, I mean Josef took the rods, the ones called nuclear anyway, and now is lying here looking not only very much dead, but also a little like that pale mean priest who like to whip himself, the one called Paul Bettany from that film, the one called Mr. DaVinci Code.

Why they put my son, the one called Boris, I mean Josef, in monk suit? Brown not good color for him.

3. When Jason Schwartzman ends up pooping himself when he realizes that while he believes himself to be one bad terrorist, the new bad guys are EVEN TERRORISTER! Here we see him, injured, terrified, and grimacing in pain, desperately trying to hide from Samir and Ali behind a straight-to-video movie poster.

Are those cowboy boots?!  

4. When Chloe asked Jack if he was okay. I mean, how do the actors not giggle themselves silly delivering those lines? Of course Jack is okay.
Chloe: I heard what you went through back there, Jack. Are you okay?
Jack: Which time? The heart attack?
Chloe: No.
Jack: The punch to the throat?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Magic Dummy's accidental stabbing?
Chloe: No.
Jack: When my daughter got nearly abducted by mountain man Kevin Dillon?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Ensuring years of therapy for my granddaughter by telling her that when Grampaw "falls asleep" people often die, even nice people but thankfully no children, yet?
Chloe: No.
Jack: The stampeding herd of wildebeest triggered by Scar, my uncle lion?
Chloe: No.
Jack: When Buffalo Bill put me in that hole to fatten me up so he could skin me to make lampshades and I trapped his peekapoo?
Chloe: No.
Jack: When my father used a light saber to amputate one of my hands?
Chloe: No.
Jack: When I used my blue-skinned clone to lead a revolt on the faraway planet of Pandora?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Chinese prison?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Kim and Stephen's wedding reception, which was like being in a Chinese prison?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Addicted to heroin undercover in a Mexican drug cartel?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Food poisoning from Tony and Michelle's taco stand?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Accidental radiation leak?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Bladder infection from never peeing?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Getting my nipples jumped off like a cheap car battery and having my abdominal stab wound probed with a giant Q-tip by the Russian mafia?
Chloe: Yeah, that one.
Jack: I'm fine.

5. When Jack and Magic Dummy had their "Up with People" moment.

Magic Dummy: I need to know what you meant back there when you said you'd "be there."

Jack: I meant exactly what I said.

Magic Dummy: So you'll "be there" for me and stand by my self-defense argument?

Jack: Yes! Magic Dummy, you did nothing wrong. You need to start believing that, Magic Dummy.

Magic Dummy: So, if you're really gonna "be there" for me, when do we get to look at each other's naughty bits?

Jack: In due time, Magic Dummy, in due time.

 

6. When not one, but two integral employees of CTU (Certain Teammates Unbearable) go AWOL and carry on their entire conversation through gritted teeth.

 

GOOD LORD, those are some sensible shoes Denny's wearing. Ew.

Denny: My name's not Dana, but Jenny.

Shaggy: I can't understand you. You're gritting your teeth.

Denny: Huh? What'd you say?

Shaggy: Come again? You're gritting your teeth.

Denny: So are you!

Shaggy: It sounded like you said "Nigh Maine's gnat Deena sat ninny."

Denny: Huh?

Shaggy: What the...?!

Denny: I love you!

Shaggy: "Eyelid new?" Don't say another word until we get back. Then Chloe can digitalize your voice, so I can figure out what in the hell you're saying.

Denny: Thank you!

Shaggy: 10-Q? What?!

7. When Kevin the Unabomber and Enunciatin' DiCaprio from Gangs of New York get capped like two bottles of flat soda.

 

And then, with his life quickly ebbing away, DiCaprio saves Denny's life, screaming the name of a well-known restaurant chain from the Silence of the Lambs van. Loved the way the producers tried to wring out one tiny iota of empathy from the audience by having DiCaprio undergo a tinge of deathbed regret. Sorry, dude, not takin' the bait.

8. When Barbecue Shrimp says anything at any time. 

 

Not sure if Mykelti Williamson is not such a great actor or if it's specific choices he's making AS an actor, but Brian Hastings is about as interesting as a pin cushion. 

9. When Hastings lets Doogie Howser run special ops in rescuing Farhad.

 

Next week, thanks to Jack having to save Doogie and Barbecue Shrimp's collective a$$, the audience realizes we have 15 hours to go.

But at least Magic Dummy can look on the bright side and contemplate her future with Jack, thankfully not in storage, yet apparently on a farm.

 

Hour 8: Dana/Jenny Is About to Go Hunting...BEAU HUNTING!

Well, I will now be muy ocupado on Monday nights, so will be watching Jack Bauer gets his nipples electrocuted online. Don't count on me getting the blog posted until, oh, maybe three weeks after the original airdate.

Some thoughts.

1. Implausible plot device #1: Dana Walsh Voted World's Most Gullible Federal Agent. Dana/Jenny (who will now be called Denny) actually believed DiCaprio in Gangs of New York when he said, "Sure, Denny, I'll leave you alone"? Are you kidding me? He's a sociopath with a psychopath for a best friend. Apparently his clear enunciation lulled her into a false sense of security. Just look at her, taking it all in, hook, line, and sinker.

2. Implausible plot device #2: Jason Schwartzman gets a gun pointed to his head. That said, based on this picture, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often.

3. Implausible plot device #3: Why cook borscht when you can torture German arms dealers?

Sergei: I am making borscht in honor of the one called Oleg. I shot him and then the one called Josef put him in ground behind church. To honor the one called Oleg, I will put up big sign in middle of restaurant, the one called "Sergei's House of Borscht." I will call the dish "The Borscht Made in Honor of the Dead One Called Oleg, Son of the One Called Sergei and Brother to the Ones Called Svetlana and Boris, I Mean, Josef." For short, we will call it "Borscht #2."

Dimitri, the One With Broken Neck Soon: But, boss, what about Ernst and Jung downstairs?

Sergei: But borscht in middle of being prepared!

Dimitri, the One Who Gets Scissored Soon: But don't we need information from him, the one we call Jumper Cable?

Sergei: You are right, Dimitri (the one I call Illegitimate Son with Barmaid). Why cook borscht when you can torture German arms dealer? The beets will wait! 

4. Implausible plot device #4: Jack and Sergei eventually become the best of pals, especially implausible after Jack trashes the place AND interrupts the making of the borscht!

Sergei: I was making borscht in honor of the one called Oleg. I was going to put up big sign in middle of restaurant, the one called "Sergei's House of Borscht." I was going to call dish "The Borscht Made in Honor of the Dead One Called Oleg, Son of the One Called Sergei and Brother to the Ones Called Svetlana and Boris, I Mean, Josef." For short, we were going to call it "Borscht #2." But now that I had to shoot you with shotgun, (and did you notice how buckshot not go through tables and hit your jugular like I want them to, but just break all that expensive crystal from the country called Taiwan?), I now have no tables for putting under the borscht.

Jack: I'm sorry, Sergei. I was diving for my life. I may have pooped myself. 

Sergei: Yes, I commend you for moving faster than Russian mafia man going to fur coat sale. For that, and for me killing for nothing the one called Oleg, I will give you location of nuclear rods.

5. Implausible plot device #5: Broad-shouldered Denny plans to mete out her revenge. During her official 15-minute smoke break. For me, this was the most ridiculous scene of the episode. First, the fact that this counter-terrorism employee can go undetected for tens of minutes (in spite of Arlo's half-hearted concern). Second, the fact that all the director could coax out of this actress was the time-worn "As I look into the distance, I'm fantasizing about solving all my problems by getting revenge against my abusive boyfriend, not caring one iota about the effect that murdering two a-holes will have on my career or my impending nuptials" look. Is mental instability now a prerequisite for snagging a position at CTU?




























6. Implausible plot device #6, but not implausible to 24: Whenever Jack "goes to sleep," people die.

This was the first thing Little Toddler Teri learned about Grampaw Jack.

7. Implausible plot device #7: Whenever Jack needs something to be faulty, it will be; whenever it needs to be trustworthy, it will be. 

Faulty:

 

Trustworthy:

8. Implausible plot device #8: Magic Dummy goes from being a kick-a$$ undercover agent to a fretting puddle of mush in the span of one hour. You know, Renee going berserk and stabbing Jack and then fretting about Jack at every turn, her voice quivering with uncertainty, is wearing pretty thin with me. And with Chloe.

Until Magic Dummy can reunite with Jack and express her undying love and gratitude...

...CTU just needs to give her some Tylenol PM so she can quit taking up space in otherwise marginally interesting scenes.

Jack: "Renee, wake up! WHY, IN GOD'S NAME, DO YOU KEEP DRESSING LIKE ME?!"

Next week: The One Called Josef "Delivers the Borscht," if you know what I mean...

...but not before running into that Paul Bettany stalker. AGAIN!

Hour 7: While You Were Sleeping, Here's What Happened During the Episode (Supposedly, Since We Were All Sleeping)

This particular post is late because I'm an octogenarian trapped in a 40-something's body.

I eagerly sat down to watch the episode and then promptly fell asleep, occasionally suffocating on my own saliva and screaming myself awake.

Every now and then I would come to, not be really impressed, and then return to Dreamland, where I was being maniacally pursued by both my teeny-weeny, itty-bitty, ever-so-minuscule Adjusted Gross Income from my tax return and former president and current vegetable Wayne Palmer.

So, here's what I gather from the episode based on my few moments of lucidity. Keep in mind that I may have dreamed this.

1. Dana Walsh is really good at speaking, screaming, yelling, anything speech-related, through gritted teeth.




 
It reminded me of my mom explaining the meaning of Christmas: "We are up this early because WE ARE CELEBRATING THE BIRTH OF CHRIST! NOW, HAND ME MY CIGARETTES AND OPEN YOUR PRESENTS! YES, YOU GOT ANOTHER SNOW-GLOBE!"
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


2. The Continuance of Ridiculous Back Story #1: Marginally smart actors playing dumb characters. Seriously? DiCaprio from Gangs of New York enunciates his way through a dumb script while the other guy mangles a Southern redneck accent and overly beats the cop with a baseball bat just because he can? And did you notice their obvious disregard for DUI laws after the melee? Just for all that, Dana Walsh deserves to go back to Battlestar Galactica.
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


(which apparently is a gigantic Car Vac)
 
3. The Introduction of Ridiculous Back Story #2: The Tarin/Kayla Mashup. At one point, I awoke from dreaming that I was being held down and tickled by Wilford Brimley...

...and thought the channel had magically switched to a Mediterranean soap opera, complete with a pregnant pause...and a heaving embrace! What the...?!

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


Who cares about the goofily named Tarin and Kayla? Hey, Brian Grazer...
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

...while we're at it, how about springing for a new dialect coach who can teach the actors playing Middle Eastern characters how to actually sound Middle Eastern instead of vaguely British/Indian/Colombian/Puerto Rican/Canadian? Geez!
 
4. I woke up another time, saw Jack in his glasses, and thought my landlady had sneaked into my duplex and put in my DVD of The Incredibles.
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

But no, I wasn't that lucky.
 
5. So, finally, just when I was settling into my favorite recurring dreamscape filled with bunnies...

 














...and barbecue Vienna sausages...

...I snorted awake to find MAGIC DUMMY GETTING CLOCKED AND GOING BERSERK!!!!

You're telling me she lost it so completely and horrifically that she stabbed Jack Bauer in the abdomen in a moment of blind rage? Sure. Why not?

Nothing said "tender moment" like Jack singing "I've Got You, Babe" to Magic Dummy over the body of a dead Russian with a knife in his eyeball.

6. So, you're telling me Jack Bauer, with all his lightning reflexes and hawklike powers of observation really thought CTU just happened to hit all the green lights on the way to the villains' lair and get there early? C'mon.

 

"(gasp) Oops. Those aren't CTU agents; they're Russian bad guys! My bad! EVERYBODY PANIC!"

7. Apparently, CTU (Considers Technology Useless) is so technologically advanced that the ever-present drones can only focus on one little doorway. As Jack fan Julie observed, it's not like the bad guys have an underground network of tunnels so vast they can avoid detection at all times, especially entering a location already heavily surveilled by advanced military-grade drones.

Technology at its finest.

After Magic Dummy's minor miscalculation, Jack fixes himself with some Scotch tape and Neosporin. We all know he needs to be in optimum shape for next week's episode.

Hour 6: Well, The Holidays Are Really Gonna SUCK This Year at a Certain Russian Family's House Because SOMEBODY SHOT OLEG!

Well, at least it's not Monday, right before the next episode. 

Some observations.

1. Mommy Dearest is in da house...

...AND SHE'S A DADDY!!!!!!

WHOA! Just imagine the Christmas conversation at the Sergei Bazhaev residence THIS year:

Svetlana: "Babushka, please pass the cabbage pirozhki."
Babushka: "Svetlana, my beautiful granddaughter! My darling solnyshko, you're TOO SKINNY! Eat more pashka! Where is my other grandson, the one called Oleg?"
Svetlana: "Yes, Josef, where is our brother, the one called Oleg? Didn't he recover from that food poisoning he got from the really bad Mexican place on Broadway and 51st (the one called Murrieta's), and which kept him (the one called Oleg) from our sight for an abnormally long time, perhaps days or maybe weeks even?"
Josef: "Svetlana, our brother, the one called Oleg, is not here because Dad (the one called Sergei Bazhaev, our father) shot him, three times to be exact, after it was clear he contracted radiation poisoning from transporting weapons-grade uranium and would thereby be discovered by our enemies, also thereby displaying the kind of weakness our crime syndicate cannot afford. Then he (the one called Sergei, our father) beat me (the one called Josef) for trying to take him (the one called Oleg) to get urgent medical care, before which his henchman (the ones called Rasputin, Nicolai, Hemlock, and Smitty) massacred the entire doctor's office staff, except for the doctor himself (the one called Dr. Levine), whom they shot later. They even shot all the potted plants (the ones called ficus and Boston fern), just to be safe."
Babushka: "WHAT?! AGAIN?! SERGEI, MY LITTLE KOTIK, IS THIS TRUE?! ABOUT THE ONE CALLED OLEG?!"
Sergei: Mother, I'd like more meat, the one called roast goose. Svetlana, my little zaichik, mind your own business...AND JOSEF, NEVER DISOBEY ME AGAIN OR TALK OF THIS CONVERSATION OR THE ONE CALLED OLEG AGAIN! EVER! Now, my little lapochka, please pass the kissel."

Utter silence ensues as Josef (the one called scared crapless) once again continues the festive holiday tradition of peeing himself.

2. Dana nonchalantly makes $120,000 easily available to clear-talking Leo DiCaprio from Gangs of New York, thereby proving that C.T.U. stands for Can't Trust Underlings.

Sing it with me: "Every kiss begins with K!"

...as in KEVIN KEEPS 120K! Geez, what INKOMPETENCE!

At one point, I was sure I heard Dana reply to Hastings' (aka Biggie Shrimp), "I'm on it, sir (as soon as I embezzle $120,000 at a rate of $120/month for just over 83 years)." 

3. I hate to say this, but one of the highlights of this episode was the U2-ish soundtrack. Did anyone else notice it? It sounded more edgy and less cop-show-ish than previous seasons.

4. In response to Hassan's continued internal crackdown in the country of Schadenfreude, Prez Taylor, in order to buy time, says she wants to take the temperature of the other delegates.

"Good God, I hope it's oral this time!" thought the delegate from Latvia.

5. CTU's Arlo Glass is a little blip who needs to be squished with a flyswatter. 

 

Don't be leering after our Chloe, you scrawny rat-a$$ punk! Even his hair and prepubescent wisp of a beard make me angry.

6. Here we see Jack undercover as German arms dealer Ernst Meier.

Or is this him?

Wait, here's another shot, only slightly better. Good lord, he looks like a goofball.

I did think he was very convincing and effective, especially when Shaggy took out most of the bad guys from the roof of the parking garage next door! Probably the best moment of the episode.

7. As we know, Magic Dummy got her freak on. BIG TIME. Egad! Back to the showers, girl! You put your time in. EW!

  

Here Renee goes the extra mile and fulfills Vlad's "Let's Pretend You're a Salvage Yard Worker And I Pick You Up at a Disco" fantasy.

Next week: Another riveting hour of Jack listening to Renee over his headset.

 

I'm hoping and praying that now that Jack is about to get inside Vlad's inner sanctum, we'll see more of him in action. His just sitting there, listening intently, is a true yawner. In the meantime...

...Biggie Shrimp strategizes his next cutthroat tactic against terrorism!