I eagerly sat down to watch the episode and then promptly fell asleep, occasionally suffocating on my own saliva and screaming myself awake.
Every now and then I would come to, not be really impressed, and then return to Dreamland, where I was being maniacally pursued by both my teeny-weeny, itty-bitty, ever-so-minuscule Adjusted Gross Income from my tax return and former president and current vegetable Wayne Palmer.
So, here's what I gather from the episode based on my few moments of lucidity. Keep in mind that I may have dreamed this.
1. Dana Walsh is really good at speaking, screaming, yelling, anything speech-related, through gritted teeth.
It reminded me of my mom explaining the meaning of Christmas: "We are up this early because WE ARE CELEBRATING THE BIRTH OF CHRIST! NOW, HAND ME MY CIGARETTES AND OPEN YOUR PRESENTS! YES, YOU GOT ANOTHER SNOW-GLOBE!"
2. The Continuance of Ridiculous Back Story #1: Marginally smart actors playing dumb characters. Seriously? DiCaprio from Gangs of New York enunciates his way through a dumb script while the other guy mangles a Southern redneck accent and overly beats the cop with a baseball bat just because he can? And did you notice their obvious disregard for DUI laws after the melee? Just for all that, Dana Walsh deserves to go back to Battlestar Galactica.
(which apparently is a gigantic Car Vac)
3. The Introduction of Ridiculous Back Story #2: The Tarin/Kayla Mashup. At one point, I awoke from dreaming that I was being held down and tickled by Wilford Brimley...
...and thought the channel had magically switched to a Mediterranean soap opera, complete with a pregnant pause...and a heaving embrace! What the...?!
Who cares about the goofily named Tarin and Kayla? Hey, Brian Grazer...
...while we're at it, how about springing for a new dialect coach who can teach the actors playing Middle Eastern characters how to actually sound Middle Eastern instead of vaguely British/Indian/Colombian/Puerto Rican/Canadian? Geez!
4. I woke up another time, saw Jack in his glasses, and thought my landlady had sneaked into my duplex and put in my DVD of The Incredibles.
But no, I wasn't that lucky.
5. So, finally, just when I was settling into my favorite recurring dreamscape filled with bunnies...
...and barbecue Vienna sausages...
...I snorted awake to find MAGIC DUMMY GETTING CLOCKED AND GOING BERSERK!!!!
You're telling me she lost it so completely and horrifically that she stabbed Jack Bauer in the abdomen in a moment of blind rage? Sure. Why not?
Nothing said "tender moment" like Jack singing "I've Got You, Babe" to Magic Dummy over the body of a dead Russian with a knife in his eyeball.
6. So, you're telling me Jack Bauer, with all his lightning reflexes and hawklike powers of observation really thought CTU just happened to hit all the green lights on the way to the villains' lair and get there early? C'mon.
"(gasp) Oops. Those aren't CTU agents; they're Russian bad guys! My bad! EVERYBODY PANIC!"
7. Apparently, CTU (Considers Technology Useless) is so technologically advanced that the ever-present drones can only focus on one little doorway. As Jack fan Julie observed, it's not like the bad guys have an underground network of tunnels so vast they can avoid detection at all times, especially entering a location already heavily surveilled by advanced military-grade drones.
After Magic Dummy's minor miscalculation, Jack fixes himself with some Scotch tape and Neosporin. We all know he needs to be in optimum shape for next week's episode.
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