I actually felt my eyes involuntarily rolling during this episode. I hope the guy pictured above doesn't mind my choosing his photo as best reflecting my state of mind during Hour 9.
Some eye-roll triggers:
1. When Jack told the one called Josef to bring in the rods, the ones called nuclear. Sure, Josef, bring in the rods, we can all go home, and this show will be over until next year, 15 episodes short.
2. When the one called Josef got nailed by the one called Jason Schwartzman.
Of course, he did. And of course, we'll see a heartrending scene where Sergei cries over his son's dead body in a cold, austere mortuary cell at CTU.
Sergei: What was I, the one called Sergei, thinking when I turn Sergei's House of Borscht into Sergei's Storefront Place for Illegal Arms Trading? It bring me nothing but bad emotion, the one called pain and that other one called grief. It even make me involuntarily shoot the one called Oleg not once but twice for catching bad cold from radiation and putting big wedge like sliced from big cheddar wheel between me and the one called Boris, I mean Josef, and now the one called Boris, I mean Josef took the rods, the ones called nuclear anyway, and now is lying here looking not only very much dead, but also a little like that pale mean priest who like to whip himself, the one called Paul Bettany from that film, the one called Mr. DaVinci Code.
Why they put my son, the one called Boris, I mean Josef, in monk suit? Brown not good color for him.
3. When Jason Schwartzman ends up pooping himself when he realizes that while he believes himself to be one bad terrorist, the new bad guys are EVEN TERRORISTER! Here we see him, injured, terrified, and grimacing in pain, desperately trying to hide from Samir and Ali behind a straight-to-video movie poster.
Are those cowboy boots?!
4. When Chloe asked Jack if he was okay. I mean, how do the actors not giggle themselves silly delivering those lines? Of course Jack is okay.
Chloe: I heard what you went through back there, Jack. Are you okay?
Jack: Which time? The heart attack?
Chloe: No.
Jack: The punch to the throat?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Magic Dummy's accidental stabbing?
Chloe: No.
Jack: When my daughter got nearly abducted by mountain man Kevin Dillon?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Ensuring years of therapy for my granddaughter by telling her that when Grampaw "falls asleep" people often die, even nice people but thankfully no children, yet?
Chloe: No.
Jack: The stampeding herd of wildebeest triggered by Scar, my uncle lion?
Chloe: No.
Jack: When Buffalo Bill put me in that hole to fatten me up so he could skin me to make lampshades and I trapped his peekapoo?
Chloe: No.
Jack: When my father used a light saber to amputate one of my hands?
Chloe: No.
Jack: When I used my blue-skinned clone to lead a revolt on the faraway planet of Pandora?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Chinese prison?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Kim and Stephen's wedding reception, which was like being in a Chinese prison?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Addicted to heroin undercover in a Mexican drug cartel?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Food poisoning from Tony and Michelle's taco stand?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Accidental radiation leak?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Bladder infection from never peeing?
Chloe: No.
Jack: Getting my nipples jumped off like a cheap car battery and having my abdominal stab wound probed with a giant Q-tip by the Russian mafia?
Chloe: Yeah, that one.
Jack: I'm fine.
5. When Jack and Magic Dummy had their "Up with People" moment.
Magic Dummy: I need to know what you meant back there when you said you'd "be there."
Jack: I meant exactly what I said.
Magic Dummy: So you'll "be there" for me and stand by my self-defense argument?
Jack: Yes! Magic Dummy, you did nothing wrong. You need to start believing that, Magic Dummy.
Magic Dummy: So, if you're really gonna "be there" for me, when do we get to look at each other's naughty bits?
Jack: In due time, Magic Dummy, in due time.
6. When not one, but two integral employees of CTU (Certain Teammates Unbearable) go AWOL and carry on their entire conversation through gritted teeth.
GOOD LORD, those are some sensible shoes Denny's wearing. Ew.
Denny: My name's not Dana, but Jenny.
Shaggy: I can't understand you. You're gritting your teeth.
Denny: Huh? What'd you say?
Shaggy: Come again? You're gritting your teeth.
Denny: So are you!
Shaggy: It sounded like you said "Nigh Maine's gnat Deena sat ninny."
Denny: Huh?
Shaggy: What the...?!
Denny: I love you!
Shaggy: "Eyelid new?" Don't say another word until we get back. Then Chloe can digitalize your voice, so I can figure out what in the hell you're saying.
Denny: Thank you!
Shaggy: 10-Q? What?!
7. When Kevin the Unabomber and Enunciatin' DiCaprio from Gangs of New York get capped like two bottles of flat soda.
And then, with his life quickly ebbing away, DiCaprio saves Denny's life, screaming the name of a well-known restaurant chain from the Silence of the Lambs van. Loved the way the producers tried to wring out one tiny iota of empathy from the audience by having DiCaprio undergo a tinge of deathbed regret. Sorry, dude, not takin' the bait.
8. When Barbecue Shrimp says anything at any time.
Not sure if Mykelti Williamson is not such a great actor or if it's specific choices he's making AS an actor, but Brian Hastings is about as interesting as a pin cushion.
9. When Hastings lets Doogie Howser run special ops in rescuing Farhad.
Next week, thanks to Jack having to save Doogie and Barbecue Shrimp's collective a$$, the audience realizes we have 15 hours to go.
But at least Magic Dummy can look on the bright side and contemplate her future with Jack, thankfully not in storage, yet apparently on a farm.
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